Being Real: Frustrated Christian Girl Seeks the Lord

I have to say that I have been ready for Friday since about Monday. I never used to be a Friday-obsessed person until  I started working. Until the thought of Friday meant a glimpse at having time to stop working in all respects of my life for, oh, maybe a day?

This week has been hard for me. The great thing about the internet is that it can’t read my mind and put it up on display for all to see. But it’s also the curse of having a blog. Everything can seem so rosy, when in fact, life is really messy behind the scenes.

Real Life

I’ve been working for 4 weeks now. I literally do not know where the time has gone. I feel like I started yesterday. It it impossible to believe that I’ve gone to work and back 19 times already. “New job” is no longer feeling so new anymore. I feel adjusted, sort of, but I think this week everything just hit me all at once and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

What hit me? The chores that seem to take up so much of my time because I only have from about 6 to 9 pm to do dinner, clean up, laundry, play with Beans (which he now demands), do blog work (which can be neverending), and prep for the next day before I get ready for bed.

My nights have consistently felt like work. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to be as quick as possible with chores and to do list items, but then bam – my night is over and I didn’t even get close to taking some time to relax or, I dunno – do something want to do?



My husband was also gone three nights in a row. He is usually the one to keep me in line when I proclaim the world is ending. Without his presence, reassurance, and help, I start feeling insecure about everything.

Little things just started becoming big frustrations because it was all at once: I could go on a run because it rained, I had a ton of work on Thursday because two co-workers were out, I was alone 3 nights in a row, I got to bed too late, I ripped my favorite purse getting caught on a door, etc. It just seemed as if every little thing ate away at me this week all at the same time, so it felt like everything was bothering me!

Idolizing my Workouts

On top of it all, what really hit me this week was my frustration at my workout schedule. I am working out, but now I feel the longing to workout it now associated with my fear of gaining weight due to not really paying attention to what I eat lately combined with sitting and being way less active than I was a month ago. And let me just tell you – that feeling or “motivation” if you will is not hot. It’s not motivating at all, actually. It’s just frustrating.

And furthermore, in all honesty, I have put working out before my time with the Lord. All I really wanted to do every day to spend some time with God is read a one page devotional. And I have done that like, maybe twice in the past 19 work days? Yet no matter how rushed or tired I am, working out is the first thing I always go to… Convicted for sure.

Where is God in all of this?

Well, he’s everywhere. I know I am frustrated with myself, but amazingly, I have maintained some bit of a relationship with the Lord in this crazy transition (because of His power, not my own). Really – not having tons of free time has actually drastically changed my relationship with Him in an interesting, good way. Before, I would have so much time that if I didn’t spend huge chunks of time in prayer or reading, I would beat myself up. I could spend time with the Lord, so I felt I had to.

Now, I don’t have but twenty mintues for prayer throughout the whole day sometimes, but I feel much less guilty about my relationship with Him & how I spend my time with Him. I truly feel so much grace right now. And maybe it’s because I need His grace so much more now than I did just 4 weeks ago.

The verse Romans 8:38-39 has suddenly become real to me lately. It says:

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It’s not that I am naive enough to have thought that my job would keep me from the Lord, but in all reality, I was worried what would become of my relationship with Him with thsi whole 40-hours-a-week thing. But clearly, He gave me this job not to keep me from Him but in fact grow me closer to Him.

All I can do is keep seeking.

Questions for You:

  • Do you determine your relationship with the Lord based on quantity or quality?
  • Ever have those days or weeks where everything just feels annoying?!

Comments

  1. Just read my daily devotional in my car before work and reminded me of this post. Thought I’d share! It’s from Jesus Calling.
    November 1

    Do not be discouraged by the difficulty of keeping your focus on Me. I know that your heart’s desire is to be aware of My Presence continually. This is a lofty goal; you aim toward it but never fully achieve it in this life. Don’t let feelings of failure weigh you down. Instead, try to see yourself as I see you. First of all, I am delighted by your deep desire to walk closely with Me through your life. I am pleased each time you initiate communication with Me. In addition, I notice the progress you have made since you first resolved to live in My Presence.

    When you realize that your mind has wandered away from Me, don’t be alarmed or surprised. You live in a world that has been rigged to distract you. Each time you plow your way through the massive distractions to communicate with Me, you achieve a victory. Rejoice in these tiny triumphs, and they will increasingly light up your days.

  2. I think you will find that balance sooner rather than later… but just remember, a lot of people struggle with work/life balance! xo
    Rachael @ Pretty in Pink recently posted…5 on a FridayMy Profile

  3. Oh my gosh, Melissa, we seriously have so much in common. Please move to Texas. :) I understand everything you said you are struggling with because I feel like I am constantly struggling with the same things. I have learned though that just spending a little time with the Lord is better than nothing. And just constant prayer throughout the day really helps me. I also constantly feel like I idolize my workouts, and I am still trying to figure out how to keep this from happening. Like you, I don’t always make time to read my Bible, but I almost always make time for some sort of workout. So glad we are there to encourage each other!
    Becky recently posted…Halloween ShenanigansMy Profile

    • Glad you can relate, Becky. I have also found that some time with the Lord is better than none, and sometimes these days, that’s all I can manage. I’m at least happy to know that God isn’t mad at me for trying my best to spend time with Him even if it’s not a lot of time.

  4. I feel the same way as you most weeks. Do you best, give yourself time to breathe and try not to be too perfect. You’ll be ok. :)
    Katie @ Live Half Full recently posted…No Weigh October Recap and Link-upMy Profile

  5. What has worked for me is make a list of things that are a priority & them schedule them. i.e. God/family/workout/prep for work/household chores. (I always find time for the top priority’s the others can wait) Right after I awake spend some time in devotion & then workout. (I find if I do things right away in the AM life doesn’t get in the way after work). If devotions & workout are a priority make sure you find time for God first & then workout. Further down on my list are household chores & laundry. If I have time I will take care of them otherwise they can wait until the weekend. I hope you can find the work-life balance that will works for you!

    • Totally agree with you on all that, Mark! My goal is always to do devotionals/prayer first, but lately I have been SO sleep deprived that I end up sleeping in and only have enough time for one or the other. I need to just make time for it, no matter what time I get up, even if it’s only a few minutes. I still struggle with thinking that a few minutes with God is enough, so often times I just think eh whatever and skip to a workout because of that. I’m sure things will get balanced out better soon enough!

  6. I used to get up and pray very very first thing in the morning. Because I felt that I was putting the Lord first in my day if I did that. But then I stopped doing that. Now, I get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, get dressed, fix my hair, put on a little lip gloss and curl my eyelashes. Then I go to my favorite room in the house and sit down and pray. I don’t feel like I am putting God after those other things, just that I am actually awake, actually ready to talk to him without thinking in the back of my mind of all the other things I need to do next before the kids get up.

    I feel that my prayers are better for it. :)
    Anna Hettick recently posted…Blogging | ToolsMy Profile

  7. This is such a big struggle for me…. There are days that if I don’t give him hours of devotion time that I feel really guilty! Thank you so much for sharing this… I love taking my lunch break outside since the weather is getting cooler and I will read my bible and spend some time in prayer. On my way home from work (which takes about 35 minutes) I love to turn off the radio and just enjoy the quiet time. :)
    I think it’s important for us to share things like this. We’re in it together! :)
    Brandi recently posted…Post HalloweenMy Profile

  8. Life is such a balancing act. I know for me personally, I’m often distracted from my most important relationships (God, family, friends) simply because I get so overwhelmed by other things. It’s always comforting to know that I don’t struggle alone in this. I love those verses in Romans. Thanks for the reminder! You can be having the worst of days and those words will turn it around!

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  1. […] flew by pretty fast, but I can say that I had a lot of fun which really helped balance out all the stress I was feeling at the end of last week. Friday couldn’t come soon enough for me! Friday, my husband & I […]

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