I have to say that I have been ready for Friday since about Monday. I never used to be a Friday-obsessed person until I started working. Until the thought of Friday meant a glimpse at having time to stop working in all respects of my life for, oh, maybe a day?
This week has been hard for me. The great thing about the internet is that it can’t read my mind and put it up on display for all to see. But it’s also the curse of having a blog. Everything can seem so rosy, when in fact, life is really messy behind the scenes.
I’ve been working for 4 weeks now. I literally do not know where the time has gone. I feel like I started yesterday. It it impossible to believe that I’ve gone to work and back 19 times already. “New job” is no longer feeling so new anymore. I feel adjusted, sort of, but I think this week everything just hit me all at once and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
What hit me? The chores that seem to take up so much of my time because I only have from about 6 to 9 pm to do dinner, clean up, laundry, play with Beans (which he now demands), do blog work (which can be neverending), and prep for the next day before I get ready for bed.
My nights have consistently felt like work. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to be as quick as possible with chores and to do list items, but then bam – my night is over and I didn’t even get close to taking some time to relax or, I dunno – do something I want to do?
My husband was also gone three nights in a row. He is usually the one to keep me in line when I proclaim the world is ending. Without his presence, reassurance, and help, I start feeling insecure about everything.
Little things just started becoming big frustrations because it was all at once: I could go on a run because it rained, I had a ton of work on Thursday because two co-workers were out, I was alone 3 nights in a row, I got to bed too late, I ripped my favorite purse getting caught on a door, etc. It just seemed as if every little thing ate away at me this week all at the same time, so it felt like everything was bothering me!
Idolizing my Workouts
On top of it all, what really hit me this week was my frustration at my workout schedule. I am working out, but now I feel the longing to workout it now associated with my fear of gaining weight due to not really paying attention to what I eat lately combined with sitting and being way less active than I was a month ago. And let me just tell you – that feeling or “motivation” if you will is not hot. It’s not motivating at all, actually. It’s just frustrating.
And furthermore, in all honesty, I have put working out before my time with the Lord. All I really wanted to do every day to spend some time with God is read a one page devotional. And I have done that like, maybe twice in the past 19 work days? Yet no matter how rushed or tired I am, working out is the first thing I always go to… Convicted for sure.
Where is God in all of this?
Well, he’s everywhere. I know I am frustrated with myself, but amazingly, I have maintained some bit of a relationship with the Lord in this crazy transition (because of His power, not my own). Really – not having tons of free time has actually drastically changed my relationship with Him in an interesting, good way. Before, I would have so much time that if I didn’t spend huge chunks of time in prayer or reading, I would beat myself up. I could spend time with the Lord, so I felt I had to.
Now, I don’t have but twenty mintues for prayer throughout the whole day sometimes, but I feel much less guilty about my relationship with Him & how I spend my time with Him. I truly feel so much grace right now. And maybe it’s because I need His grace so much more now than I did just 4 weeks ago.
The verse Romans 8:38-39 has suddenly become real to me lately. It says:
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
It’s not that I am naive enough to have thought that my job would keep me from the Lord, but in all reality, I was worried what would become of my relationship with Him with thsi whole 40-hours-a-week thing. But clearly, He gave me this job not to keep me from Him but in fact grow me closer to Him.
All I can do is keep seeking.
Questions for You:
- Do you determine your relationship with the Lord based on quantity or quality?
- Ever have those days or weeks where everything just feels annoying?!