Life has been incredibly challenging lately. Between work getting busier and busier, lots of social events, chores piling up, and Christmas shopping & events – I am worn down, tired, and running on empty. I’ve been challenged this week to be real - something I haven’t really been doing.
Earlier this week, I started reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. I read the introduction on my lunch break and was struck by the concept that perfectionism isn’t really about perfection at all - it’s about fear. After I read the introduction, all these thoughts of how my life was not consumed by wanting things to be perfect, but instead consumed by being fearful of how it will all turn out filled my head.
I often take the term “perfectionism” and use it like a blanket over everything inconvenient or frustrating in my life. I wonder why I am unhappy sometimes and usually think it’s from trying to perfect everything. But I really don’t feel like I sit here trying to meticulously craft my life to look, feel, and seem perfect. What’s frustrating me so much is how fearful I am about life lately, and how much it’s holding me back.
Since starting my new job (do I use this phrase in every post now?), I realize I am in a new season of life. I’ve been fearful in this phase because everything is new. There’s new tasks to do at a new workplace with new people. I have a new way of fitting in all my life demands, which is constantly adjusting or changing. I have a new way of looking at myself, which is – right now – entirely skewed in the wrong direction.
I was also challenged by this post yesterday by Carly, who shared a very personal story about her husband almost dying. While I can relate to her story and find it very inspiring, I also felt convicted about my own writing. What am I sharing here lately? Where am I on this blog of mine?
I feel like I’m hiding behind the easy face of happy, lighthearted posts about topics that I think people want to hear about. I feel like I have been absent from my blog since I became overwhelmed because I feared sharing it.
When I am unhappy, I feel like I don’t know how to share it with people because I never want to be the complainer, especially publicly on the internet. I get enough of that crap on Facebook, so the last I want is to leak it to my space on the internet. I just find it incredibly hard to write about my struggles without thinking it all sounds like a bunch of whining. And who wants to read that?
But I realize it has to be done. Because lists are easier, here’s a list of some things going on for me lately that are real.
I didn’t want to say this, but…
- I have been going to bed at 11pm and waking up at 5:30-6ish every day for about 2 weeks. This makes me extremely cranky. I can’t function on this little sleep, but I feel like I have so much to get done that I just stay up and do it.
- I am writing this blog post at 10:17 pm. I do not post anything in advance for my blog anymore because I literally haven’t had the time. The wee hours of the night are my blog posting time, and it stinks.
- I have been on social media and my computer on and off all night, bouncing from one chore to the next, but never really getting anything done.
- I am incredibly annoyed with people lately. Maybe it’s because everyone and their mother is out lately (and rude, at that; thanks North Easterners), or maybe it’s because I’m just so incredibly low on my end that I have no capacity to even begin to love others. Either way, I am really growing irritated fast & it has to change.
- My anxiety is through the roof these days. I constantly feel on edge, worried, and not like myself at all. I think it’s all a combination of eating pretty poorly, lack of sleep, stress at work, self-induced stress, and not enough me time.
So, that’s some struggles as of late. Part of me feels relieved to say those things. Part of me still worries that people will judge me or misinterpret what I say because they don’t know the full story.
I hate to leave any post on a negative note, so I will say that life is good. I am enjoying my new job so much. I like having a new schedule to look forward to every week. I like pushing myself to adjust. But it’s also still a struggle.
Thanks for reading.
Questions for You:
- Do you hide your struggles or share them?
- What are you struggling with lately?